What was I doing…?

I’m sat in a rare moment of free time trying to get a new project, a new blog, off the ground, having wasted an inordinate amount of time staring and contemplating. What do I write about, exactly? There are so many things whirling around my mind, (thank you ADHD), and who will want to read what I put down, anyway? Well, I suppose the point is: who cares? I wanted to write, so just write.

Kind of like that well known sports brand, just do it was a constant theme during studying creative writing. You can’t edit a blank page, nor post or publish it. You can’t work on what isn’t there. So just get started, start writing, and see what comes. Many, many writers seem to have this strand of advice, with varying phrasing and varying levels of renown to their reputation. But when you have executive dysfunction and a tendency to shy away from ‘getting started’, this often proves a real challenge. Throw in there some hard-to-ignore external stimuli like having a child and the ever-present interruptions that naturally entails, and it suddenly doesn’t seem as simple as just doing it.

This seemingly simple piece of advice makes you feel more like Sisyphus pushing his boulder up the hill, only to see it go careening back down when the interruption suddenly throws you so off course, whatever amount of writing you did manage to do is subsequently either never completed, never actually started or forgotten about completely. So, its as though you’re constantly on a loop of starting something up, kicking off a new project. And repeat, repeat, repeat.

So, how to overcome it?

There is, of course, a lot of advice out there these days. Which is truly wonderful to see. ADHD in adult women is recognised and celebrated more and more, but, alas, I’ve yet to tap into turning mine into a super power. Because of that, and because I know there must be plenty of others out there in a similar predicament, I hope to make those people feel more seen. I don’t have the answers. I haven’t figured out how to work around or overcome my day-to-day glitches. Sometimes I recognise the manifestation of my symptoms, for want of a better phrase, and sometimes I don’t. For the most part, I have a partner who understands and appreciates my difficulties, but he can also struggle with it as much as I do and I often drive him to the edge of his sanity! (This isn’t helped by being almost like my polar opposite in terms of neuro-divergency; he has OCD. Mess and tardiness screws with his head big time. Go figure!).

On top of that, I know what it’s like to be on medication, and I’ve had to deal with being off it again, and in some ways perhaps that’s worse than never having it at all. Take, for instance, getting ready for the day. A seemingly simple, everyday task, which many might take for granted. For me, there is some aspect of it which I f*ck up pretty much every day. One of my classic moves is the good old ‘I’ll get out of bed in five minutes, I’ve got plenty of time’. Jump forward fifteen minutes, and I’m still in bed. And, oh. Showering and dressing takes longer than a couple of minutes? Balls. Quick! Make-up! Wake up my daughter! Get breakfast! Etc, etc… Then we’re anywhere between five to fifteen minutes late to school and work.

Yet, for every time I tell myself I’ll get up earlier next time, I simply just do not do it. It’s like I can’t do it. Why am I like this?

Medication, for me, was like putting on a pair of glasses after coping with blurred vision for a long time. I still didn’t have perfect eye sight without them, but the glasses helped me see more clearly and go about my life with more ease. On medication, my focus was much improved, therefore time management was improved. The millions of open tabs in my mind were closed down. The voices quieted. I could get tasks done in a far more standard timeframe, could make decisions without fretting and suffering with crippling indecisiveness. I felt in control. I don’t have the luxury of that anymore, and haven’t for years. Add on top of that going back into full-time work alongside my pre-existing part-time studies and being a mother, things arguably got even worse. Sorry, husband.

So, this is where things currently stand. Perhaps, through this blog, I can help myself improve, and help some readers out there, too.

Jodie